The experience of being listened to, and not being listen to, can impact us in more ways than we might think. I see this playing out all the time in the lives of my clients. What happens in either of these scenarios, and what does counseling have to do with it?
When you listen well to a person, you honor their inherent worth and dignity as a human being. We live in a culture where there is such a lack of deep listening, that the experience of undivided attention can be transformational.
It is incredibly validating and healing to be listened to. That’s one of the reasons why counseling works. When you feel genuinely listened to, and therefore safe, you can say difficult and even shameful things to someone who does not react negatively - who does not pass judgment on or abandon you. This communicates the message that you are are still loveable, and shame loses it’s power.
It holds true in other contexts that, when you give someone else space to speak and truly be heard, they are more likely to try to offer you that same space. This can’t help but improve the relationship.
On the contrary, to not listen well is to shut down another person’s experience of reality. The message communicated is that the person is not important or worthy of attention, which can lead to feelings of frustration and shame.
Oftentimes, people who have been repeatedly invalidated in this way lose touch with their opinions, feelings, and preferences. They learn to doubt their perceptions.
Counseling is the process of helping people regain access to that true self by giving people the experience of consistent, deep listening they never received. Only then can they experience themselves as lovable and begin to trust their perceptions. The goal is for them to eventually be able to access their own capacity to listen well to others.
How does this apply to your own journey? Do you have people in your life who listen to you consistently and deeply? How able do you feel you are to offer that space to others?