For most people, loneliness is a scary concept. Many people go to great lengths to avoid feeling lonely. The thought of it can seem unbearable.
Our culture sends the message that to be lonely – especially to be without a romantic partner – is both sad and shameful. That being said, the only way to rectify this is to try to meet and secure a partner as soon as possible. Embracing singleness to get to know yourself, even if it is only for a season, is largely considered unappealing. Why would one choose do this with so many online dating platforms are just a few clicks away?
Yet to be alone with yourself is actually an important experience to have. Indeed, loneliness reflects the reality of our condition as human beings – at the end of the day, each one of us is essentially alone. Regardless of if you are married, dating, or single, you are the only one who can sit with your thoughts, emotions, and inner experience. No other person has access to you in this way, or can take all of your feelings of loneliness away. Indeed, it is possible to be in a marriage or other close relationship and still feel completely alone.
Loneliness is inextricably tied to mental health. On the one hand, people often come to counseling because they feel lonely and want that feeling to go away. Yet, what they really need is to learn how to actually be with themselves – to enjoy their own company and not to fear their inner experience. They need to learn how to be with their pain and cultivate a healthy sense of solitude.
When we do not know how to be alone with ourselves, we will anxiously grasp and cling to people in our lives for acceptance and validation. When we are at peace with our aloneness, however, we will be able to relate to others from a place of freedom and respect for their uniqueness.
On the other hand, some people come to counseling because they do not know now to create and sustain healthy relationships, so they are experiencing loneliness in the form of unhealthy isolation. In this case, they need to learn how to reach out to others, to show up authentically in relationships, and to build community.
Loneliness becomes a problem when we do not have or seek out meaningful connections with other people. Without healthy relationships, we lose sight of who we are. We become turned in on ourselves and wither, which can lead to depression and other mental health issues. The poet John Donne writes that “No man is an island”; indeed, we were made to truly know and depend on one another.
As human beings, we are designed and wired for community. We need relationships in order to learn who we are and locate ourselves in the world. People who know us well reflect our truest selves back to us, so we can see ourselves clearly. Life-giving relationships help us grow into who we were made to be and are a crucial aspect of mental health.
So, if you find yourself feeling lonely, do the following:
· Resist the temptation to run away from yourself. Try to be with your loneliness – your emotions, thoughts, and inner experience with curiosity and nonjudgment.
· Journal about your emotions and thoughts. Let yourself cry if you need to. Let yourself feel pain – it won’t last forever. You have to “feel it to heal it.”
· Do things you enjoy, with yourself! Try new things. Be curious about the possibility of enjoying your own company.
· Reach out to people, and try to be as authentically yourself as possible. Try to form meaningful connections. Seek out relationships with people who listen well, who show they care, and who make you feel good about yourself.
· Educate yourself on how to have healthy relationships. Read books and articles, and talk to people who know who are also trying to be healthy.
· Seek out counseling. A skilled counselor can help you explore the root of your loneliness and help you learn how to cultivate peace within yourself and healthy relationships.